Do you ever have one of those days where you feel really empty but really heavy at the same time? I feel completely empty - everything is just meh. But it also feels like I'm being weighed down, that every cell in my body is fighting to keep me from sinking to the ground. It feels like if I do sink to the ground, I may never get up. That I may finally feel some sort of peace and just lie there until the earth covers me and the world forgets. That thought doesn't terrify me like I feel it should, instead it provides me with a sense of serenity, like it will be ok then. I know that suicide doesn't change things, the problems still exist, and some new ones may appear, but at least then I wouldn't have to deal with them. They would no longer be something I'd have to try and figure out or deal with or talk about or feel. I'm worried that this feeling will overwhelm me to the point where all the "It would kill my mom - literally" and "I don't want Craig to have to explain to my nephews why auntie is coming around anymore" won't be enough to stop me. I'm now sat at my desk trying to desperately wipe away tears without anyone noticing. I'm not sure I'm being terribly effective, but then no one here really cares. I can honestly say that I don't have a single friend here. The good part about that is that I don't have to be "on" or entertain someone or just be around them, because that drains my energy far faster than it used to. Mostly I listen to other people talk and think, "I can't begin to explain the depths to which I do not care what you are talking about." And, "when are you going to stop talking?!" I dread conversations because, by their very nature, they require me to converse; to pay attention, to devise an appropriate response, and to seem to genuinely care about whatever it is they are prattling on about. I just don't have the energy for that anymore. I don't care what you have to say, I can guarantee you don't care what I have to say, this entire conversation has no bearing on the rest of our lives and is therefore utterly devoid of meaning.
Every breath is a chore. Every movement is a monumental effort I just have in me. Every thought is like a dagger, or wood lice. Burrowing deeper and deeper into my brain with negative thoughts and an endless litany of "You're such a fuck up" and "How did you get to this point? Do you know how much you're hiding from everybody? The way you feel, your finances, everything." I'm such a fraud and someone is going to realise that pretty soon. I kind of wish they would so that it could all just be over with. Then I wouldn't have to worry about it happening, because it will have already happened.
I don't know what to do anymore. Even reaching out to IAPT feels like a massive mission that I just don't have the energy for - more appointments, another thing wrong with me, another thing I've failed at, more people poking my brain. And what if they look at me and go, "What the hell is your problem? You're just wasting our time because you feel a little bit down and fed up - welcome to the big, bad world, bitch". Another thing for me to feel like a fraud for.
And god I'm so tired! So tired I wish I could sleep for days and days. But when it comes to sleeping at night I just can't. I think I'm so worried about over sleeping and losing my job that I'm too scared to go to sleep in case I don't wake up in time. Which is ridiculous. Surely the logical answer would be to go to bed early so I can get a decent amount of sleep in and feel ok the next morning? I used to pride myself of being logical, systematic, pedantic. Not any more. I've become unreliable at home and at work, my mind is scattered, when I see a problem all I can think is, I don't care, I'm just going to leave it there and walk away. Which of course makes the problem even bigger and more severe than before. I can't remember the last time I felt mentally alert, physically awake, and just ... alive. Now I spend my days "surviving" because telling people anything less makes them squirmy.
I'm tired of being in constant physical pain. I just want someone to fix me. Make my back better, help me lose weight, get my driving licence, get a car, sort out my finances, lead me back to being vaguely happy - stop me being the utter failure I feel I am.
Every breath is a chore. Every movement is a monumental effort I just have in me. Every thought is like a dagger, or wood lice. Burrowing deeper and deeper into my brain with negative thoughts and an endless litany of "You're such a fuck up" and "How did you get to this point? Do you know how much you're hiding from everybody? The way you feel, your finances, everything." I'm such a fraud and someone is going to realise that pretty soon. I kind of wish they would so that it could all just be over with. Then I wouldn't have to worry about it happening, because it will have already happened.
I don't know what to do anymore. Even reaching out to IAPT feels like a massive mission that I just don't have the energy for - more appointments, another thing wrong with me, another thing I've failed at, more people poking my brain. And what if they look at me and go, "What the hell is your problem? You're just wasting our time because you feel a little bit down and fed up - welcome to the big, bad world, bitch". Another thing for me to feel like a fraud for.
And god I'm so tired! So tired I wish I could sleep for days and days. But when it comes to sleeping at night I just can't. I think I'm so worried about over sleeping and losing my job that I'm too scared to go to sleep in case I don't wake up in time. Which is ridiculous. Surely the logical answer would be to go to bed early so I can get a decent amount of sleep in and feel ok the next morning? I used to pride myself of being logical, systematic, pedantic. Not any more. I've become unreliable at home and at work, my mind is scattered, when I see a problem all I can think is, I don't care, I'm just going to leave it there and walk away. Which of course makes the problem even bigger and more severe than before. I can't remember the last time I felt mentally alert, physically awake, and just ... alive. Now I spend my days "surviving" because telling people anything less makes them squirmy.
I'm tired of being in constant physical pain. I just want someone to fix me. Make my back better, help me lose weight, get my driving licence, get a car, sort out my finances, lead me back to being vaguely happy - stop me being the utter failure I feel I am.
